Things Keith has learned after buying a house.

ATTENTION!

Please note that the following is meant to be humorous. Just a little something for anybody who has ever loved a house back to life.

1. The dingbat you bought the house from didn't know how to make repairs or contact a qualified painter.

2. If you poot in the attic, it has nowhere to go.

3.The expensive flashlight WILL burn out, but only after the power to the house is cut off and you are in the darkest, coldest, and farthest reaches of the attic.

4. Electrical work stinks.

5. I hate plumbing.

6. No matter how good your friends say your restoration is going and how pretty it all is, it's still full of runs, drips, and errors.

7.Paint scrapers vanished from existence between 1950 and 2007.

8. Plants and shrubs are supposed to grow? Really?

9. The winds of change do, in fact, blow. Once my shop had a roof. Now it doesn't. CHANGE!

10. Hardwood floors, although nice and beautiful, turn the house into a tap dancing hall as soon as your long-clawed retriever mix needs to go out.

11. Electricians in the 1950's should have known that, nearly sixty years later, we would have coffee pots, microwave ovens, electric tea kettles, griddles, and halogen puck lights and should have wired the circuit breakers accordingly.

12. Where the attic insulation does exist, it's the variety that is comprised of fifty years worth of...whatever, and you are deathly afraid to be alone in the dark with it.

13.Nobody else has two feet of water under their house on a consistent basis.

14.The fence in the backyard will rot and fall down the second the deed has been signed.

15. Heating and air conditioning? Huh?

16. Carports were designed to attract the rain.

17.Azaleas run in fear from your dirt.

18.Mud stays muddy longer when you are the proud owner of it.

19. "Ants Marching" is an appropriate theme song for your kitchen and bathroom.

20.It's ours...all ours!

*No houses, animals, or humans were harmed in the creation of this blog*